The Ides of an Idler

I had to believe in something,

even if it did not believe in me,

I had to say something,

even if it did not want to hear what it is I had to say,

I had to do something,

even if it never fulfilled what I intended to do,

I had to make something,

even if it did not want to be put together,

I had to fix something,

even if it did not dislike being broken and unbroken and broken again,

I had to taste something,

even if there was nothing left but blandness,

All of this, 

I had to,

had to,

had in place to do,

but then I did not,

because I fell victim to the symptoms of a bystander,

I started saying would and could and should,

and I started thinking about what I would have, could have, should have done,

and started relying on the art of the placeholder

only to recognize there was nothing left,

less I came to my senses