The Account of an Accidentalist

I had a problem counting backwards mainly because I had a long and storied relationship with laziness. Anything that took any effort, any at all, was quite taxing--even to think about.

In the mornings, sometimes early afternoons, when I would wake up, I would plan the rest of my day around when I could first get back to my bed. Someone once told me that was a sign of depression. I just think it was good sense. Especially since they have attributed more sleep to a longer life. I don't know who 'they' is but I tend to rely on statistics that corroborate my lifestyle and require little substantiation.

The most ironic thing about laziness is the fact that it often results in a circumstantial spark of innovation. When I needed to see the television without a crick in my neck and I didn't have a back support to prop myself up, I put three pillows together at an angle and covered them with a single blanket. When I ran out of Elmer's glue and didn't want to venture down to the corner store, I quickly concocted what was left of my Aqua Net and the residue at the bottom of a bottle of Pert Plus into some form of quick dry adhesive. It was nothing short of brilliant. Not because it worked, but because once I put it to use to fix the shower handle, I could rinse off and go back to bed.

There was nothing greater than my love for Tootsie Roll Pops--except for my apathy and unwillingness to suck it long enough to get to the middle. As you know the middle was the best part and unlike most other people, I didn't care how many licks it took to get there. I'm sure this comes as no surprise but I was more of an instant gratification person.

But again--I hated going down there to that corner store. So I took my electric toothbrush and I pulled the neck off. I put my cherry Tootsie Roll Pop right in there and I pressed the button and let it spin there on my tongue--until there was nothing left but that delicious middle.

It was then that I thought my intelligence may be better suited for greater things. Perhaps to help people, to be the next Thomas Edison of sorts. I would be mislabeled as a savant with a wealth of resourcefulness inconsequential to the rest of them. It was shortly thereafter, within seconds actually, that I realized I just liked to help myself.

And that living life by the domino effect wasn't half bad.