The Spiral

I think I got good at drifting,
so good in fact that I couldn't get my head back on course,

These last years,
ones I could not count backward or forward,
but ones I could not account for even in the slightest,

I had things to say to you,
but I was certain I could not ascertain such things until my twilight,
or later still,

What was the opposite of hindsight,
it was the same as that night in 2006,
the worst night of my life,
when I knew that all of this would fuck me up for good,

you knew it,
we all did,

it was not hindsight,
or forethought,
or foresight,

it was just bemusing,
and tangled,

And I just wanted to disenfranchise myself,
from all of this,
from everything I once cared very much for,
and about,

It had been nearly 900 days,
longer even,
since I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw,

Disgust comes so easily the further along you go,
the further back the fork sits,
until it is all below the line on the horizon,
and nothing in the distance looks like home