The Line of Fire

I shuddered to catch my breath in the face of this atrocity

but deep, deep down---

deep, deep, deep down---

I knew yours was the last face I would see

The barrel was cold there against the back of my skull

not at all as I imagined it would be---

because that's all I ever knew how to do

imagine pain

All these things, I believed were intangible

and of some kind of animism

but you couldn't talk anymore while it was moving through you

and while it was lighting all of us up---

up here

and in here

And I was blue in the face at the thought of you

there, behind me

and she always told me to hit the deck or run---

run like the wind

It was all so deafening

because I never once claimed invincibility

not once, not ever

and now I asked you for it with the pursing of my lips

And the only thing I could do was look up

and think about how putting my hands together

would only bring my fingernails closer to my lips

and make him my keeper

and this just wasn't the time for that