No Thank You Very Much

When you're a twin, everything comes in twos. And for the most part, that has been to my brother and my benefit. Having said that and having lived much of my life with a penchant for giving just as much as taking, I've recently come to the following conclusion. There are some things that I just don't like sharing. As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to say there's a list. And since it's been a few since the last one, I thought I'd throw these out. After all, there's no better way to complain with etiquette than with a list, right?

(1) BOOKS

You don't need to borrow my books. You can peruse my bookshelves, touch them if you promise not to crease the covers or the pages, and if it's absolutely necessary, but no, we don't need to share them. Because you don't need to see my notes in the margins and I don't need to find splotches of tomato sauce and grease across my favorite passage in Chapter whatever because you thought it would be cozy to stay in with a book and a pizza one night. It's just not imperative that we read from the same trough.

(2) UMBRELLAS

No. There is a reason the envelopment only seems to cover one body. There is nothing more annoying than when someone taller than you wants to share your umbrella and you have to hold it up higher and ultimately you just keep banging them in the back of the head. Get your own.

(3) PENS

You and I both know that you aren't going to give it back. So don't take it...and then we won't have a problem.

(4) PINK AND PURPLE SWEETARTS

I don't know why. Just don't touch them. You can have all the greens and yellows you want...but don't touch the others.

(5) MY TYPEWRITER

There's a reason it's mine. It's green. It was made to eventually be passed down to me. And most importantly, it's not yours.

Pretty much anything else, I'm fine with sharing. But seriously, don't be ridiculous about any or all of the above.