The Odd Couples

Another week, another chance for me to take hold of the soapbox. For what it's worth, I can't help it. The urge comes over me to express a distaste for some things and I think it's best for me to put it out there. This time, it so happens, that the forthcoming list, in fact, literally lists the physical distaste I have for certain cuisines.

I realize I may be in the minority on some of these opinions, but without further ado, here is the list of the top 7 appalling culinary duos:

(1) Jelly and Donuts or Pastries

Why does something have to be in the middle of the dough? Is it really necessary to add sugar to sugar? I mean there are already powdered sugar donuts--that are delicious, by the way--and then you bite into them to find jam, which for all intents and purposes, has no purpose but to fill a whole that could have been filled with MORE delicious dough. It's unnatural. It's forced. And it looks like the thing is bleeding altogether. Let's take our cues from Elephant Ears minus the condiments.

(2) Whipped Cream and Anything

Get it through your head. It's a waste. Think about it. Wouldn't the Sundae you're eating be just as delightful without the disgusting dollop on top of it? It's literally just air--sitting there--for decoration. And then it makes the ice cream a messy slop of color with white chunks. And while we're on the topic, let's talk about Twinkies. Pretty much the same as the donuts. They don't go together. It's not a cake with filling. It's a Twinkie. There's a reason why you feel disgusting after you eat one--because it is disgusting. Whipped cream is the sore thumb sticking out and asking you to find problems with it. Which is exactly what I just did. What a complete waste of space.

(3) Marshmallows and Hot Chocolate

It's going to melt into the drink and that's just not going to be good for anyone.

(4) Ice Cream and Pie

It's going to melt into the fruit in the pie or worse yet, the pie crust, and that's just not going to be good for anyone either.

(5) Chocolate and Alcohol

Why are there desserts with chocolate and Baileys? Cheesecakes? Kahlua cakes? It leaves a sharp aftertaste in the back of your mouth that makes you wonder whether you are getting drunk or having a sugar comatose. They have no business being mixed. If your dessert is causing you confusion, then it's not doing its job. Mindless enjoyment is what a dessert is all about.

(6) Ketchup and Ranch Dressing

Why do people mix these together? It makes my stomach turn. But again, this is another example of a sloppy mess that doesn't need to happen. Each tastes fine separately--the operative word being separately.

(7) Mayonnaise and Anything

Unless it's an ingredient in another sauce or condiment, forget about it. It's what my family refers to as scum sauce. Because it is. It's like slapping lard, by itself, onto a sandwich or whatever--as a topping.

I know, I know. I'm the negative nelly and odds are, most of you enjoy these pairs. To each his own. But this all begs the question of separate but equal. Separate--maybe I could tolerate most of these elements--but together they are intoxicating--and not in a good way.

I'm open to hearing why you think I'm wrong or hearing about new disgusting duos. With my seemingly unadventurous list, whether I want to admit it or not, I still hold a certain 'epicuriosity.' It's all really just food for thought anyway, right?